Monday, Monday...and a SURPRISE!

Well, as you know, it's Monday.

Sigh.

I hate Mondays.

Today is a BUSY day.

First off, we found a car. I think we'll be getting it this week, hopefully. After taking Curt to work, I'm going to test drive the car, and see if it really is "too good to be true" .. I don't want to talk much about it-- I don't want to jinx it. Just keep your fingers crossed that it runs & is in GOOD shape once I turn it on.

This weekend was busy, full of work and holiday stuff. I feel like I didn't get a chance to do anything but run around. BOO. We hung out at home on Friday, after grocery shopping. I worked all day Saturday, and then last night I worked on a paper, while Curt hung out on the couch. Today, I worked, and then came home to finish up a paper, and catch up on a little DVR. My DVR is OVERFLOWING lately. Too many Oprah shows, too little time. Not to mention Ellen, Dr. Phil, Good Eats, Say Yes to the Dress, and any SVU that is EVER played on ANY cable channel. (LOL!)

I have a neurologist appointment today, to have a few tests done. I've been having some vertigo issues lately (i.e. passing out randomly for 5-10 minutes at a time), and he wants to double check my dosage on meds and such. And last week, I had a 4.5 day migraine that almost knocked me out completely for the week. It's hard to believe that my actual MRI for growth follow up is scheduled for December 10th. Instead of January 3rd. He really just wants to make sure this thing isn't moving or growing. Please pray that it hasn't.

Tuesday I have some huge tests in three of my classes, not to mention a clinical evaluation. I'm nervous. I will be gone ALLLL day, and Tuesday night is SVU night so I'll have a houseful of people to entertain around 10pm. Speaking of Tuesday, I need to have your attention.

This Tuesday, November 18th, I am having something incredible happen in my blog. It may not seem like such a big deal for you all, but it is HUGE for me. I have opened up my blog to Kim from Jogging In Circles to post her own "Open Letter". I have never had a guest blogger before and I am really excited. I love Kim, and I think she's phenomenal. I have seen what she has for you all, and you are going to love it. Remember to be nice and comment because she is nervous. And while you're at it, go and check out her blog. You will LOVE it.

Wednesday, I will be spending the day looking at wedding venues (yep, that's a whole new post for another day) because ours actually DOUBLE booked us. Thank GOD we found out now, or it would have been UGLY. So, Wednesday will be spent looking at venues, AND getting all of my girls together for the final bridesmaid dress pick. Should be fun, and entertaining to say the least.

And on Thursday, November 20th, I have another very special guest post lined up from "Riss" aka "bmommy" who is always commenting in my blog. I know you all love reading her comments of love and support so I thought I'd give her a chance to explain herself to you all, and how we became friends. She's a light in the dark times of my life, and I don't know what I'd do without her.

So it's going to be a busy couple of days over here in my blog. Just remember, all of you participating in NaBloPoMo.. We are more than HALFWAY done. This has been a wonderful challenge for me, one I have embraced whole heartedly. And on December 1st, I have an open letter that has been years in the making, and is bound to make all of you laugh, cry, and smile (maybe in that order, too!)

I hope everyone has a fantastic Monday!

Open Letter #6: A Letter To God

He who has faith has... an inward reservoir of courage, hope, confidence, calmness, and assuring trust that all will come out well - even though to the world it may appear to come out most badly. ~B.C. Forbes

Find out more about the "Open Letter Series" by clicking here.


Dear God,

It's funny, I never thought I'd be writing a letter to You, now, like this, but somehow it feels appropriate so here I sit. We've been through a lot God, You and I. We've weathered a lot of storms and I have to be honest and admit that for awhile, I thought You were nowhere to be found when I needed You most.

At first glance, many would label me as a "Cradle Catholic", and they are abolustely right. I was born into generations of Irish Catholics, baptized at 6 months, had my first communion in the second grade, and was confirmed at 15 years old, a choice I made completely on my own. Those Irish Catholics in my family, my grandfather included, who are rolling over in their graves at what I'm about to say to You. But this is part of my journey, and at every journey, there has to be honesty, and real emotion, so here I go.

I was angry at You for a long time. Some days, I still am. I feel like You allowed me to endure so much in my life. So much pain and suffering, hatred and anger, hurt and anguish. The verbal abuse growing up, the sickness of myself and others I held so dear, and the sexual abuse from Xander which almost cost me my life, not to mention a million other things. I have been to hell and back, God, and to be honest, a lot of that, was completely me. I didn't reach out my hand, I didn't take help, I made my own path. And it sucked. I was crying out for You, and I didn't see You, like everyone said I would. I didn't hear You, like everyone said I would. I looked for You in everything, in songs, in friends, in signs, in anything I could see, hear, touch, or feel. There was even a point in my life, where I just knew You didn't exist. How could You have existed? What kind of God allows that kind of suffering? What kind of God ignored my pleas of help?

There were many nights, as You know, that I cried.

Sobbed.

Begged.

Pleaded.

Just make it stop.

To make him stop telling me I was stupid, to make her stop wishing I was never born, to make them not get cancer, to make him stop raping me, to make the nightmares stop, to make my life stop. I have never felt so alone in my entire life, at that moment, God. When I felt I hated You. And I kept trying to find You. I just kept searching, and at the lowest point in my life, I gave up searching for You.

I have done a lot of things that I am not proud of. I have made foolish and juvenile decisions, and I have made a lot of mistakes. I have let my judgment be clouded, time and time again. And still, You remain. Sometimes, at night, I sit quietly, and I think of You, and what You must think of me. How disappointed You must be in all of the sins I've committed. I regret them. I want You to know, I regret them. Some, more than others. I wonder sometimes, when my insecurity shines through, if You have decided to punish me for those sins.

Is that how it works, God? Do you punish those who commit cardinal sins? Do you punish those who make decisions, split decisions, without thinking of the consequences?

I decided that You no longer existed.

That everyone was wrong. You weren't there. You were never there.

I was wrong.

Because with the bad, God, there has been so much good. The talent to have my voice be heard through the gift of song, lyrics, words, and this blog. The courageous spirit I have, to push through, even during the darkest hours. My kindness towards others. My bleeding heart. My willingness to share the deepest and darkest parts of my life, my soul, in order to help just one person. That is the beauty of You.

You have blessed me with so much. I have (relatively) good health. I have a wonderful support system, both at home, and online. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on my table. I have fallen in love, and it feels so right. I wake up every morning next to someone who truly, 100% loves me, unconditionally. Good and bad. Broken. Whole. Repaired. You have shown me the beauty of life, again, God. I cannot even begin to thank you for that. For not giving up on me. I have damaged myself, and I have come out okay. I have let myself be damaged, and I have watched helplessly as I was damaged, but I know that everything happens for a reason.

And even as I start this new journey, this new path to healing, I still sometimes wonder if You are listening. I still wonder if there is a reason for this. If there is a point to this mess that was my life, especially 5 years ago. And when things start to go wrong, I panic. I loose control of the situation, and I blame You. It is wrong of me. You have to trust me, God. Trust that I haven't totally given up on you.

That is the beauty of faith. My faith in life, my faith in myself, and my faith in You. It's called faith because you have to wonder. You have to be open-minded, and willing to take the extra step. Whether one believes in You, in a Higher Power, in Allah, in Gods, in Sprits, or in something completely different, it's still something to believe in. I need You to believe in me, God. I need You to help me with this final step in my process of healing. I need to be able to forgive him. I need to be able to let it go. I need to be able to move on, completely from the hurt that he has caused me. So this is it God. This is where I put it all in Your hands. This is where I try my hardest to let go of some of the control, and hand it over to You.

I know You have a path for me.

And while it scares me, I have never been one to back down from a challenge.

And I'm certainly not backing down now.

Love,
Heather

Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.
~George Iles

I got nothing..

Tara posted some of her Sunday (insert word of your choice here) and I thought I'd do the same.

So at work, we're doing this thing called the "Balloon game". For every protection plan I add to a customer's purchase, I get a balloon. I've been kicking ass in this game. See?



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I was reading Post Secret today and the first card totally rings true for me. See above. I love my future MIL, I really do. She won't be the "meddling" type (think Everybody Loves Raymond) but there is just something OFF about her. Her money management, her way of doing things, her lifestyle, it's just SO different from what I was raised as. And while I think different is good in this world, it can make Curt & I's relationship EXTREMELY challenging. We do really well for a couple of weeks, and then have a HUGE blowout fight, once/month about money, and that's where most of his upbringing tends to shine through. His mom just has no concept of money, and how to save it, spend it wisely, or work towards a certain goal (for us, it's a washer & dryer). She's money hungry, and has had over 17 lawsuits if that paints a pretty picture for you. She thinks I'm a "Golddigger" because I am a student and Curt makes more of the money right now. So while we don't have a horrific relationship, it certainly isn't what I wanted, as far as a MIL relationship goes.


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Speaking of Curt, we had an absolutely amazing anniversary dinner on Friday night. All I knew, going in, was that I had to dress up, and we were doing dinner downtown. I ran over to the mall and got my makeup done, and threw on a teal shirt, black wide legs, and my fabulous trusty pair of black heels. We went to Palomino. It was so delish! I had Asiago-Almond Encrusted Sea Scallops, on a bed of wild rice, with caramelized vegtables (zucchini, asparagus, red & green peppers, and onions) and Curt had Garlic-Stuffed Tilapia with garlic mashed potatoes and fresh asparagus. I had two Pomegranate martinis, while Curt nursed a glass of Merlot. We finished dinner off with a plate of Chocolate Tiramisu, on the house, because it was our anniversary. It was a BEAUTIFUL restaurant and every person we came into contact with, wished us a Happy Anniversary! Our actual one year anniversary is the 12th, which is Wednesday. Or one year of knowing each other was on the 4th of November. It's hard to believe it's been a year. And that I am happy.

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I am SO tired of being on my period. Seriously, since last Friday. I am OVER.IT. I'm ready to quit being such a bitch to everyone, including Curt. I'm tired of crying at stupid commercials, or strange looks. I'm tired of seeing red over a misplaced shoe, or a lost set of keys. And mostly, I'm tired of being TIRED because of it. GO AWAY AUNT FLO, GO AWAY!

And the weather?! WTF is going on?! It's freezing, flurrying, AND raining. Make up your mind, Indiana. Seriously.

And on that note, the spaghetti is almost ready so I am off to eat.

I hope everyone had a good weekend!

Thursday Thirteen

This is kind of a special edition of Thursday Thirteen for me because I have exactly THIRTEEN MONTHS until I become Mrs. Curtis E.... GAH. It's so exciting. And on the 4th of November, we celebrated ONE year of knowing each other. On November 12th, 2008 it will be ONE year that we have dated. Who would have ever thought?

So in lieu of that, I'm posting the 13 things we have DONE for the wedding, so far. Click the links to see what we have! :]



13. We have ordered the "Save The Date" magnets.

12. My ring has been fitted and has been ordered. SQUEE.

11. We booked the venue.

10. We have started interviewing photographers, one who is a fellow blogger.

09. I have started my "I wanna be a HAWT Bride" diet. It's going well.

08. We have cut the guest list again. New count: 382

07. I have met with my dad, and we have set a budget. For his part.

06. I have picked out our colors and set them in stone.

05. We have picked a florist. And a design for my bouquet.

04. We have signed up for pre cana classes through our new church.

03. We have decided to forgo the traditional "wedding cake" for a "candy bar". We will have m&ms, jelly beans, gummy bears, gummy works, chocolate bars, and other miscellaneous candy in our wedding colors in big glass bowls for guests to have. We will set out bags with our name & wedding date stamped for them to take home as wedding favors.

02. We have officially gone with a centerpiece. This isn't it, but close.

01. We have purchased Curt's ring! :]

SPF: Tuesday: Rockin' The Vote.

Today,


by pushing this button.


Today, for the first time in my life, I voted in the election of the President of the United States. I am proud. I am please. And I know, as of later on tonight, that we will be starting a change, no matter who wins.

Open Letter #5: A Letter To Many

Find out more about the "Open Letter Series" by clicking here.

I wanted to write each of these but it didn't seem fair to single one person out, when each one of these people have had an influence, whether good or bad, or online and off, in my life. Take with it what you will, and don't own any of them unless you think you deserve to.

That being said, here goes.


Dear ________________,



-I have spent the past 7 years of my life wondering if you ever think about me. If you wonder what it would have been like if you'd stuck around. I think about the time that we shared, the fights, the bitter disappointment I faced constantly, from you. I think about the happy times, though fleeting and rare, and wonder if we could have ever made it back to that point. I wonder if you'll always be a control freak, if you can let go of the past, and if you regret marrying her. I hesitate to contact you because I just don't think there is any way to repair the damage. I just wanted you to know that I think of you.

-I have so many things to say to you. But instead, we spend out time passive aggressively. It's so disconcerting to see two adults act like this. And I am as much to blame, as you are. We spend hours together, laughing, talking, sharing a common bond, and then just like that, you're gone from my life. Without warning, without shame, just gone. It's a vicious cycle we've been repeating for a little over a year now, and sometimes I wonder if we'll ever get past it, or if we should just throw in the towel. We're so much alike that I just can't seem to tear myself away because part of me feels like I'd be loosing myself, too. And at the end of the day, I suppose behaving passive aggressively is better than loosing you. I think eventually, though, one of us will get bored and move on. I wonder who will go first.

-I don't know how to tell you how much you mean to me. I don't know how to say how much I care about you. I'm not good at this online friendship thing. I try, so hard, but I just don't think you know. I don't think you know how important it is for me to "see" you around, to be here for me, even when I am not necessarily available for you. Finding you on this blogosphere has been a life changing thing for me. And for that, I am grateful. I don't know where I would be without your support. So thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

-Eventually, you had to know that what goes around comes back around, and now, as it's coming back around to you, I pity you. I feel for you, I really do. I don't think you realized just how damaging the repercussions of your actions would be. Not only to me, but to our past, to our future, to our present. And to be honest, it could all have been cleared up a lot less painfully if you would have just admitted what you did, was wrong. But then again, it's easy for me to point fingers when I have never been in your situation, so I'm going to stop now. As long as you start being truthful.

-I miss you so much. It's coming up on a year that you've been gone. This Thanksgiving will be incredibly hard. I wonder if you're looking down on me, thinking of me, and thinking of how far I've come. I wish you were here to cheer me on, but I'm so happy that you are an angel for me now, guiding me through life's rough waters. I just wish I could hug you ONE more time, and that I could see you ONE more time. I wish you could be here, to meet the love of my life, the man I truly believe, with every fiber of my being, that you sent for me. That you brought into my life, as you were abruptly leaving. I love you.

-You're shocking and outrageous, and while a part of me is incredibly taken aback, there is another part of me that is silently wondering why I can't be just like you. I wish I could change my life at any point, and start over in a new city, a new "family", and a new look on life. I am brave, but I am not courageous. You, my friend, are both of those things. I wish you nothing but the best on your journey, and I am truly honored to be a part of it.

-I just wish you would listen to what I have to say. I wish you would take MY feelings in consideration. I wish you would stop and think for one second, even, of ME. I am not in this alone, and I don't want to be. For once, I'm trying to reach out, instead of bottling it up inside, and you are nowhere to be found. I need you. And you promised you'd be there. Where are you? I don't want to be alone. I just don't.

Love,
Heather

Open Letter #4: A Letter to Curt

Find out more about the "Open Letter Series" by clicking here.



Dear Curt,

I couldn't breathe today.
I thought of all of the things that could go wrong, and I couldn't breathe today. I thought of my past and how I knew it could be a repeat, and I wanted to run. I felt like a caged rabbit as I paced our home. Our home.

I let that run off my tongue, rolling the words around.
Our. Home.

How did I get here?
When did I learn to trust again?
Am I sure that I want to trust again?

I scrubbed the kitchen floor and vacuumed. I wiped the windows. I dusted the tables. And internally, I panicked. I thought about escaping, running far away, and sending you a letter at some point to explain because you're such a good man that you'd at least deserve an explanation as to why I left.

I thought about how much I loved you.

Sometimes, I look at you, and I don't know why you picked me. How I got so lucky to be your future wife. The future mother of your children. To be your one and only, your best friend, confidante, and lover. I don't know what I did right in this world, to deserve you. I can't even begin to count the ways. I remember the first night we started to make love. I was hiding my scars, the horrific burn marks on my inner thighs that Xander left as a parting shot one night. You were kissing each one, and I kept telling you to stop. You told me that you loved every inch of me, no matter what scars I had. You told me that you knew I wasn't ready. And instead of walking away, you held me. We held each other that night. And it was far more special than anything we could have done. The actual memory still brings tears to my eyes.

I adore your compassion, and your ability to know when I just need you to hold me. I love that you always know just what to say when I am a mess. I love that you love me even though I'm a little tattered, worn and battle-scarred. I love that you know just what spot to kiss to get me to melt, that your touch sends shivers down my spine. I thought about Sunday afternoons, curled up on the couch, and our Thursday night dates.

I admire your respect towards your father, your love for your mother and your adoration to your nieces. I love watching your face light up when you hold Chloe, the newest baby in our friend group. I admire that you stand up for those you care about, and that even at your worst, you won't back down easily from a fight. I cannot wait to grow old with you, to sit on our porch and watch the days go by. I can't wait to walk down that aisle and see you smiling back at me.

So I want to thank you. For putting up with me. With my irrational fears, my insecurities and my weaknesses. I want to thank you for helping me find the "Heather" that I lost, and for helping me to gain a new "Heather" that I am starting to be oh so proud of. Thank you for believing in me, for picking me. For trusting me.

But I'm scared, baby. I want to be the best I can be, not only for me, but for you. For us. What if I won't be good enough for you? What if I won't be good enough for us? What if I leave? What if you leave? What if we just can't make it? How will I ever get over it?

I'm so scared to take the plunge, but I just can't convince myself not to.

And then I think about how much you love me, and I know the best is yet to be.

I love you always, baby.
Love,
Heather

Girly Girl

It seems like lately I've been writing some pretty heavy stuff. I don't know, I feel like my life is changing in a positive direction and the only way to continue it that way, is to keep pouring out my heart and soul. Sometimes, I just write for hours in here, never publishing, never sharing one hundred percent of me. And other times, I can't even BEGIN to open this because the thought of writing in here turns my stomach. I think I have a love-hate relationship with myself when it comes to writing in here. I love to do it, but I hate putting myself out there. Either way, I think it's helping me to grow as a person, which is good in the end, right?

So, I joined NaBloPoMo. Yeah, I know. Why, do you ask? I have no idea. We'll see if, starting November 1st, I can post one post/day, for 30 days. It will be DAMN hard, but I needed some new challenges in my life. Sign up for it, it may help you get yourself out there!

I was given an award by two of my most favorite bloggers on earth. Ms. Kim from Jogging in Circles & Kathleeny Beany from So Grateful. Thank you so much ladies, you have no idea how much this means to me. It's good to know that my "Open Letter" Series is touching each (and every one) of you. That means I'm not doing it JUST for me.

I thought since things were kinda heavy in here, I would post my make up collection. I wanna see yours! So, therefore, I need you all to post pics of your prized collection and why you love it. List your favorite products, too!

Here are mine:






And my favorite products?

Burt's Bees Lip Balm (a MUST have for winter), Clinique's "Moisture Surge" Moisturizer, MAC's "Mineralized Skin Finish" Foundation in NW30 (summer shade) and NW20 (winter shade), NARS lipliner in "Chutney" (a great fall choice!), MAC's "Viva Glam IV" Lipstick (all proceeds go to the AIDS foundation!), Clinique's "Barely There" Bronzer & Blusher, Chanel's "Pretty in Pink" lipgloss, MAC's "Illegal Purple" Nailpolish and Estee Lauder's "Pump up the Volume" Mascara in Deep Onyx. You CANNOT go wrong with these products.

And seriously, ladies. MAC is probably one of the cheapest "department store" makeup lines I've ever known. If you're going to spend $7-$9 at the drugstore for mascara, you might as well pay the $10 for good mascara! Granted, I get most of my MAC makeup free thanks to Lindsay, but it's still a GOOD investment.

Speaking of investments, can you believe we have exactly 8 weeks until Christmas Eve? I can tell that people are starting to worry about the holidays because work is starting to pick up. We're selling Wii's like crazy, and Wii Fit's. Even XBOX 360's are going (they are CRAP, do NOT buy them!). And apparently our weatherman here in Indianapolis was smoking crack because he said that we would have SNOW! on Mnoday. SNOW! GAH, I am NOT ready for this! I really am not.

Speaking of snow, we're thinking about moving the date of the wedding. I know. Can you believe it? But I'm suddenly stuck with the fear that there will be a HUGE blizzard on the day of our wedding. I guess it doesn't matter, as long as we get married, and I know it sounds stupid, I just don't want to miss out on MY WINTER WHITE WEDDING. Le sigh. I guess we have a little time still to figure it all out, although we are going to make a deposit on the venue, FINALLY.

Midterms are this coming week and I am stressing about it. I cannot believe that I will graduate this June with my associates and that I am going BACK for my Bachelors. ME. The girl who NEVER wanted to go back to college. HAH. Take that, people who said I couldn't do it!

And as a last note, therapy has been really well for me lately-- I had a breakthrough. One that will be featured in the upcoming, "Open Letter Series", but th most postive point I want to make is this: I am taking Ambien to sleep at night and I am SLEEPING. THROUGH THE NIGHT. Uninterrupted. I am so happy.

Speaking of that, I took my pill before starting this and it's kicking in now, so I should get to sleep.

Enjoy the weekend, internets :]



ps: go check out the new artist of the week! :]

Open Letter #3: A Letter to My Mother

Find out more about the "Open Letter Series" by clicking here.


Dear Mom,

First, I should start by thanking you for having me. Without you, I obviously wouldn't be here. I don't want to get ahead of myself and list all the reasons why I love you, just yet, because I think it's imperative that I go ahead and let out some of the hardest thoughts in my head, first.

I want you to know that growing up, was hard. I know you were just trying to do what was best for us, you and I, after Dad left, but Kevin wasn't exactly the stellar pick I would have hoped for. He was mean, Mom. He was hateful, vindictive, and once Todd was born, downright unbearable to be around. And as I grew, I started to realize that it wasn't just him who hurt me. It was you. I'm older now, and I understand why you have made some of the choices you have made, but I was just a kid then. I couldn't possibly wrap my head around BiPolar disorder. I didn't know you were sick. I just thought you honestly hated me.. Telling me that you "wished I was never born.." was wrong. You crushed my 10 year old dreams that day.

And many days after that. I hated how you would fling those words across the room, whenever you felt it was necessary to stop me from anything I wanted to accomplish. It was like you were jealous of me, like you wished I had no creativity, you wanted to stifle it all. And all you had to say were those words. "I wish you were never born." No child should ever hear that, ever. And as a teen, those words were even more deadly. Because I knew that you were going to go on your week long binges of hatred and anger. It was too much to take.

I was so angry at you, for choosing your own happiness (Kevin) and ignoring my own. You are my MOTHER. It was your JOB to protect me from hurt and hate. Instead, you fueled the fire. And when he left you for someone else, I dropped everything and had to be the parent. I cooked, I cleaned, I did laundry, I took care of Todd, while you were allowed to fall apart. That was not fair. I was 17 YEARS OLD, Mom. 17. A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL. And when I tried to have a life of my own, you stopped it quickly.

I went to college, and lost myself in the daily drug offerings and alcoholic beverages of choice. I whored myself out to try and feel whole, years of verbal abuse taking it's toll. And then I met Xander and my life fell apart. Your words were sharp, and biting, late one August night. Exactly one month after he died, you said to me, "Get over it Heather, every man is out to take something from you. Get used to it." I was trying so hard, Mama. I was trying so hard to make you see that I needed you. I was crying out for support, for attention, for anything. I just wanted you to see me. For me.

Instead, I continued a downward spiral that left my soul barren, and my body used up. You would stare at me some nights, and with one look, I could feel what was left of me withering up, loosing all of its life. You took so much from me. Your manic behavior cost me the car of my dreams, parts of my credit, and almost cost us our relationship.

But I want you to know that as much as it hurt you at the time, I was hurting more. Even though I lost the car in the process, I gained you back. I gained the Mama I've always wanted. I love you, you have made incredible changes, and huge strides towards being the mother that I always wanted. You are on a steady regimen with medication, you're staying with your therapy, and even though it's a little too late, I am still accepting of your support. I forgave you, and it opened doors. I felt free, I felt safe, and I felt like I finally had a home where I belonged.

When you met Dan, I knew he would help change your life. You finally found that one person to believe in you, the one man that you needed to hear say, "I love you," and for once in your life, you were finally able to believe it. Your marriage to Dan started out rocky, but it's now something I look up to, something I hope to mold my marriage off of.

As I've gotten older, I have just started to realize all that you have gone through in your life. The sacrifices you've made, the choices you've regretted, and the person you were, wasn't necessarily the mom that you were, too. I see you as not just my mother, but my friend. I see you as human. Someone who made mistakes, but truly didn't want to cause the damage that she did. And I just want to say, again, that it's okay. We can only be grateful for the time we have, instead of the time we lost, Mama.

I love that you make time for me, that you are always a phone call away. I love that you think of little things I would love, and pick them up as most mothers often do. I love that you have been encouraging me to start the piano again, and that you have been looking into getting one for me, to replace the beautiful one Kevin stole from us. We've been on a journey together, you and me. Most importantly, I love how you beam about me to anyone who'll listen.

It's like you've finally seen my potential and you're finally seeing just how hard I've worked to get to this point. I can't thank you enough for the constant support I've received from you, since the day you turned yourself around. I certainly wouldn't be here without that. I can see that you have your own demons, and that you absolutely feel a loss for the things you said and did. It's okay, Mama. We've turned over a new leaf. We have begun again, and I can't imagine my life without you.

I love you, Mama. I always will.

Love,
Me

Open Letter #2: A Letter To Myself;

**Disclaimer: What I am writing can be incredibly raw at times. Please be advised that not everything is suited for younger viewers. Find out more about the "Open Letter Series" by clicking here.**

Dear Heather,


There are so many things about you that I love. Your kind heart, the beauty in everyone that you search to see, and the compassion that you exude. I love your smile, and the way that your eyes light up when you talk about something that is your passion. I love watching you fall in love, with not only Curt, but yourself. I love that you are finding that happy balance in your life. You deserve it.

I love that you can find the good in everyone. I love that you can make a crowd of people laugh harder than anyone I know. But most of all, I love that you are a survivor. Someone who has taken the painful side of their past, and wrapped it in your life. Even though it has defined you, it has become you, it has still not fully consumed you. I love that about you. I love that you are consistently inconsistent, and that you answer to no one, but yourself.

I love that you have confidence, as a woman, as a mentor, as a friend. That you care more about your friends & family, then you do about yourself at times. I love that you want to rescue every sick kitten, puppy, and animal you come into contact with. I love that you put your heart and soul into life, no matter what the occasion is.

But with all the things I love, there are so many that I hate still.

I hate that you still blame yourself. I hate that you can't forgive him just yet. I hate that you make excuses for yourself, knowing that there is no excuse for his actions towards you. I hate that you can't move on from this because you won't take some of those crucial steps.

I hate that you stop therapy at the drop of a hat because you don't want to get close to anyone again. I hate that you can't sleep for more than 3 hours at a time because your dreams are ripped open by painful flashbacks that literally cause you to scream out. I hate that, as punishment (which is something we'll talk about in a minute), you force yourself to remember every little detail in hopes of finding a flaw in yourself, instead of him.

I hate that you even feel the need to punish yourself to begin with. Why do you need to be punished? What could you have done, at any point in your life, that would merit being sexually and physically abused by someone? I hate that you don't have the trust to admit to yourself that you need help. I hate that you don't want to reach out anymore, that you feel like you should "have control" of the situation by now.

I hate that you feel that this "situation" is even a "situation". It's not a situation, Heather. It's a part of your life, one that you can never take back. I hate that you want to play the martyr, and try and act as though you have gotten through this, even though you know you have not. I hate that you don't allow yourself to speak to others, that you don't feel as though you are worth it. I hate that you don't feel that you are strong, that you are an inspiration to someone, anyone out there who has been through, or is going through, what you have.

And most importantly, I hate that you can't stop putting up walls, when instead you could, and should be tearing them down.

But remember this, Heather.

You've come so far. And you have more to go. But you are never on this journey alone. You have friends, you have family, and you have someone who is not only your best friend, but your future husband to support you. In any way. You are loved, you are cherished, not only by those listed above, but by yourself.

You are a survivor. You will rise above this.

You will prove to him that you are not just a whore, you are not worthless, you are not a piece of trash, and you are much more important that he ever thought.

Be proud of yourself, Heather. Our journey is only starting.

The Bucket List

As I was making my blog rounds, I read this from Tara and I knew I had to do this.

Here's the scoop:

She was indulging in some wonderful Reese's PB Puffs cereal and read this on the back of the box. Basically, it was an "18 year old's Bucket List" which, had a list of 18 things that one should do before 18. Well, most of us are over 18, and so she suggested we add a few things we wanted to do at the end. Feel free to snag this and do your own, I'd LOVE to see it. Please?

1. Ride the world’s biggest rollercoaster - I don't know what the world's biggest coaster is, but I have ridden almost every ride at Kings Island a few times, so that helps, right? I'ma say "yes" to this one.

2. Bungee jump! - that would be a big HELL NO. no thank you.

3. Score the winning goal/basket - i scored a home run while playing softball and beat our private swim team's record at age 13. so yes, to this one.

4. Win an award, trophy or prize - in high school, i competed in ISSMA and won first place for solo vocal and piano. so there's another yes.

5. Learn an instrument - i have played the piano for almost 20 years. i love it. i miss it terribly. so yes to this one.

6. Go backstage at a gig -i would be ecstatic if i could go backstage at a gig! so this is a no.

7. Meet your idol - nothing would give me more inspiration, then to meet Mariska Hargitay face to face. She is an amazing woman who has given her heart & soul to sexual assault, domestic violence, and abuse victims.

8. Play a part in your favorite TV show - see above. if i could be an extra on L&O:SVU i would fall over from excitement, i am sure!

9. Meet someone with your own name -umm, my first name is Heather. i am pretty sure i graduated with like, 15 other Heathers.

10. Make a discovery - i have discovered more about myself in the past 4 years, then i think one can learn in a lifetime. i am saying "yes" to this one.

11. Get away with the perfect practical joke - our senior prank was awesome. we each handed the superintendant a marble when graduating. pretty soon he had no more room to hold them (in a graduating class of over 500) and he started getting really nervous. it was awesome. i'm saying yes.

12. Own a pointless collection - don't we all have one? mine is purses. seriously i have over 100 handbags.

13. Invent a word that makes it into the dictionary - i have not (yet) invented a word. so this is a no.

14. Conquer your biggest fear - my biggest fear was making a commitment to marry someone after xander. and now i'm getting married. GAH. i can't believe it! this is a yes. my other biggest fear is divorce so let's hope i don't conquer that one.

15. Raise money for charity - i haven't "officially" raised money on my own for charity, but i've been thinking about doing something for the JHF in the next couple of months. suggestions?

16. Pass your driving test the first time - i did! i did! i can do a badass parallel park job ;)

17. Complete a road trip coast to coast - nope. i would love this. but if gas keeps going up, it will NEVER be a possibility.

18. Reach 18 years of age - that i did. but barely.

My added list:

01. Become a mother
02. Graduate with a BA in Radiology.
03. Get married.
04. Meet Mariska Hargitay.
05. Tell my story to others who need to hear it.
06. Publish one song I've written.
07. Quit smoking for good.
08. Learn ASL and use it frequently.
09. Complete my first sonogram without guidance from an instructor.
10. Visit Washington, D.C.


Where is YOUR list?


And look what I got!

Thank you, Tara, you are the BEST. LOVE YOU.

I pass it onto:
Oh! How Lovely!
Nancy
Trace
Dishing With Debbie
Shamelessly Sassy

100 Things I Am Grateful For..

Chris challenged his blogging buddies to do this list.

Now, most of us have done the "100 things about me" (and I'm currently revising a new list from my old one..), but I don't believe I've seen this one around the blogosphere before.

Basically, I challenge you, my readers, to write out 100 things you are grateful and/or thankful for. Please be sure to leave a link to your entry in the comments so I can see your list! Here goes! (And remember my list is in no particular order, just what came to my mind right away.)


100. naps
99. diet coke
98. blogging
97. my cell phone
96. crock pots
95. beautiful lyrics that i can relate to
94. my drivers license
93. the internet
92. kleenx (with aloe!)
91. anything with a coconut flavor
90. the ability to play the piano well
89. polka dots
88. shredded cheese
86. sunsets
85. lazy sundays
84. the ability to see, hear, and smell
83. having a job that i love
82. opportunity to better my education
81. electricity
80. text messaging
79. my microwave
78. my freedom
77. my furniture
76. slow kisses
75. vanilla ice cream
74. money
73. my best friend
72. myspace & facebook
71. rainy days
70. youtube
69. clean and fluffy sheets
68. my washer & dryer
67. oxygen
66. my dogs tinkerbelle & darby
65. health insurance
64. my parents
63. my car
62. the ability to sing well
61. my creativity
60. sex
59. the smell of fresh cut grass
58. sunshine
57. that technology keeps advancing
56. being loved
55. AIM
54. air conditioning
53. relatively good health
52. the smell of fall
51. the sound of the waves crashing
50. my grammy
49. peanut butter & banana sandwiches
48. being able to read
47. being able to write
46. being able to count
45. my vacuum
44. the SVU message board
43. dvr
42. flip flops
41. reality shows
40. that i am allowed to vote
39. music
38. laughing
37. my sister
35. falling in love
34. nature
33. law & order: SVU
32. my religion
31. walking
30. the smell of lilacs
29. charmin toilet paper (what? that's good stuff!)
28. my ipod
27. sun tea made in my backyard
26. crisp leaves
25. pedicures
24. holding hands
23. my brothers
22. feeling safe
21. carpet
20. all of my blogging friends
19. the band "heart"
18. arizona
17. the mountains
16. people magazine
15. sleeping in until late afternoon
14. windex & pledge (i'm addicted to it!)
13. mariska hargitay & the joyful heart foundation
12. all of my "in laws"
11. the countryside hills
10. wine
09. roadside produce stands
08. spooning
07. music
06. my digital camera
05. hearing "i love you"
04. fresh fallen snow
03. christmas
02. finding my soulmate
01. my house


There you go! That's my list. I know the task seems daunting, but surprisingly enough, once you get going, it's hard to stop and you really start remembering all the things you love and are grateful for. I want to see those comments come pouring in, guys!

Where do I begin..

Where to begin....

Well, when I left you all almost 3 months ago, I was moving in with Curt.

We are happy, and settled. We have really turned this house into a home. In the end, we decided not to buy a house, but that renting was a better option for us until after we got married. I love our little house, though. We're in a great part of the city, only 15 minutes from downtown Indianapolis, school, and Riley, where I do my clinicals.

We have been enjoying the summer and have managed to spend a lot of time together before work & school got in the way. Currently, he's working thirds, which sucks, while I'm working mornings. I have class all day on Tuesdays, and clinicals on Wednesday mornings. I'm working, studying, and learning how to be domestic all at once. It can be incredibly stressful, and I never knew living with a man could be so challenging, and yet so awesome.

I have a full course load this semester. I'm currently enrolled in 18 credit hours, all being complete on one day. I am taking:

Intro to Microcomputers 101 9AM-10:15AM

Radiology Technology II 10:30AM-12NOON

Radiology Tech Lab 1PM-3PM

Pathology 3:15PM-4:30PM

Radiology Physics 5:15PM-6:00PM

Plus, 40 hours of clinicals each week at Riley. Add that to working, studying, and being someone's other half and you have one stressed out chick. I have been working on my time management skills, and as much as I hate having him on thirds, that helps a great deal because I can study, clean, and catch up on house stuff while he's away.

I had a good summer and have really come into my own. We've been setting details for the wedding into stone, and I've become really good at being awesome on a budget. The things you learn about yourself, right?

Well, that's it for now-- We're heading out to see "The Dark Knight".
I'm so glad to be back you guys, I missed you!
:]









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